Thank you for your everything

2010-08-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

I just view your facebook & realize that you had deleted your account . And i go to your other account & realize that you put yourself under the status of "single" , I 've then realize that you have choose a seperate way with me . I don't know why i will feel so heartache , a pain that i'd lost long ago . And i actually found out that i'm in love with you . I always thought that i'm still in love with Justin but i had actually put down the relationship i had with him le . I am just living in the past which i don't wish to . I am trying hard to change and i know i love you , but i just don't know what should i do . I feel that i'm just a burden to you . Currently , i am just so helpless . As you know , we have a different character & that's led us to several quarrels . I know you always give in to me & you put your whole heart to this relationship , but i really feel that i have lost confident in myself to keep you by myside . I'm really thankful for everything that you've done for me . I really appreciate it . . Darling , iloveyou . If this will make you happy , i'm willing to let go . I'm sorry , pardon me for my selfishness .

I have gain back my freedom , but that's nothing to me .

2010-08-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

04 August 2010 is the day i am release from prison . I should be happy that i've gain back all the freedom that i long to have . But surprisingly i am not happy . I realize that things around me had all changed without me realizing it . It had been two years ever since i step back to my own house & room . It's kinda weird feeling that i have never feel before . My family & I had drift apart , and that's what i do not wish to see . . Few of my friends told me that it is normal to have all this feeling . But i know things really changed , & no matter how hard i try to pull us nearer we can never be like before . One of the heartbreaking thing is my younger brother . He had changed drastically . He is no longer the person i knew two years back . In his mind now is all about violent & girlfriend ! He do not know what is kinship . When i'm in prison , the biggest burden is used to be my brother , but now i see him turned into bad astray and yet i could do nothing . It's never fail to break my heart . I love and care so much for him & yet he used violent on me . . From that day on , i asked myself do i really belong to this house ?. My ex-boyfriend used to use violent on me , and that led me to hate guys . And now my brother is doing the same thing , and it make me hard to accept guys back . I just can't move on . I know my brother do not wish me to turn back straight , but i am not not going to u-turn to my past . My brother is a gangster & my parents break into my privacy & even threw away most of my important stuff . I do not know when then they can understand that i am already a grown up . The problems in me is impossible to solve . I tried to talk to my friends about it , but i just can't let myself feel better . Even my current girlfriend do not understand me . Please tell me what can i do ?. I do not wish to break any one heart , but it's seem to be no matter what i do will be not good enough for them . My parent always say that i did not changed . But who know how hard i tried . I know that i am not as perfect as others but i am trying . . I wanted to please everyone but it ended up hurting myself . I'm smiling outside , but i am bleeding inside . My family have financial problems , and i didn't even dare to go out of my house . Because i do not wish to take a single cents from them . I hate myself for being so useless , to pick up the habit of smoking back . Because i already don't have the money to smoke yet i still go and do so . That day , i went to orchard i nearly faint because i do not wish to waste any money on food . I rather take my last ten bucks to buy my ciggrattes . I know i am very pathetic right ?. Nobody know how hard i going through . I'm trying to be strong . But i just can't accept the things i'm going through now , May god tell me what should i do , please .

I'm not perfect person

Thank you for your everything

I have gain back my freedom , but that's nothing to me .